Reflecting

I got up this morning in a funk, ever have one of those days??

So I headed down to the beach with my dog Spirit and sat and reflected on some things going on in my life.  Now, I don’t know if any of you believe in the spirit world or what happens after a loved one physically leaves this world, but my mom has a way of letting me know she is there for me.  She passed away a couple of years ago, at a young age to cancer.  She usually leaves good signs that she is there, like this am, when I found a piece of beach in the sun, several minutes later I looked up to a tree that sometimes has an Eagle in it, and this morning it had four.  I have never seen that before.  Maybe it wasn’t her giving me a sign, but then again maybe it was!!

One of the things I was reflecting on was my blog, as you noticed I just changed the title over, as I have this thing with food and eating healthy, always have.  Now, I really try not to be too anal, but my husband might dispute that one!!!

One of the things I have realized is that I have always had a thing with food, even when I was younger.  It wasn’t always good or healthy.  As a teenager, you go through a stage of eating lots of junk food, well, most of us anyways, I did, but then I took it beyond that.  I went through a stage of not eating, anything, otherwise known as starving myself or anorexia.  It was short lived, only about a year or so, I believe that my lowest weight was about 87 lbs, now I’m only 5ft 2, but that was still way too low.  My mom knew the signs as she had struggled with that as well, makes me wonder now if that was subconscious learned behavior??

From there, through the help of some close friends, I learned that I could eat, anything and all that I wanted without getting fat!!  I was in, little did I know at the time what path in would take me down and how it could affect my health, but I didn’t care as long as the weight didn’t come on.  You’re probably wondering the name of this diet aren’t you?? It’s called Bulimia and this is the first time I have gone totally open about it.  People know, I don’t hide it, but I’ve never put it out there and I think I should.

I share that info as I know that food, emotional eating, guilt, diet, advertising and so on are so much a part of this cultural these days.  Women are multi tasking more than ever betweens children, jobs, or being self employed, wanting to feel and look good or healthy, having the time and energy for it all.  Sometimes we meet our feelings of overwhelment, exhaustion, emptiness, feeling unappreciated or over extended or putting our needs last by filling our selves up w ith food.

The food we usually choose in those situations is comfort foods or snack foods that we just keep snacking on.  Now, I share this with no judgement as I went down that path for many, many years.  I struggled with Bulimia throughout my late teens and well into my twenties.  It was not fun alot of the time.  It mostly affected me between January and May, hmmm, do you think I could have had SAD at the same time!!??

I sometimes cycled between starving myself and binging, the mind is a powerful thing.  I share this part of me, as I wanted to be real with any of my readers, letting you know that I wasn’t always a health nut, well I was in between, but I was a fake, insecure, sneaking food junkie I guess you could say.  In between I worked out, taught Aerobics (ok yes I am dating myself there), ate fairly healthy when I was eating but oh sooooo confused and insecure inside.

I was part of several studies on women with eating disorders, so I did try and get outside help a few times as I got older as I recognized the insanity of it all.  What I have learned through it all, the most important thing, that I do matter. I am important and so are my feelings, even if it’s just to me.  That is why I choose to be nice to myself now (that and my friends still telling me I am way too hard on myself, hmmm more sub conscious programming, but I have been working on it!!!)  I am learning to trust my gut feelings on things and not question it, it’s being in the flow and being true to me.  That is what has lead me down the road of eating more raw and healthy, plus I need to make up for lost time of those years of abusing my body.  I feel the difference when I eat raw, or just way healthier and when I don’t, my body tells me that also.  I like to drink a glass or two of wine sometimes, and my body is letting me know that it just doesn’t want it anymore.  Alot of food too, which sometimes can be frustrating as it’s not that unhealthy yet it’s what my body doesn’t want right now, so I am listening.

I share this with you as I want to be honest.  I love food, I get inspired by it, I love making healthy things and when I watch Youtube videos read books of people eating healthy and feeling great, and curing diseases I get excited. As silly as that may sound and I can say I am proud now, that I traded in my Shape magazine and an unhealthy way of viewing my body and eating for one that is way healthier.  Yes, I have finally accepted that I am 5’2″ , small boned, bigger thighs and boobless!!!  I just want to feel good and enjoy the day.

So, to anyone out there that is struggling with having a good relationship with food in general, I just want to say there is hope and it can be accomplished.  EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) or Tapping is an amazing tool, easy to use and just love and accept yourself where you are and as you are…….you deserve it!!!

And remember, it’s a journey, today does count!!!

Thanks for stopping by

JB

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